Category: Humour

Things that scared me as a child..

Posted by Martyn Drake – February 10, 2010

1 - Battlestar Galactica.

I’m sure I’ve already recalled it here at some point on this blog, but for those who missed it: I was about 5 or 6 years old. It was Christmas Eve. I was rapidly becoming very tired and had actually starting sleeping with my eyes open. Subsequently I went to bed and I started snoozing. At that time I was heavily into the 80s Battlestar Galactica TV series and had the bedspread and the curtains.  Well, I went to bed that night and after a while I woke up and thought I saw Cylons gathering together to sing Christmas Carols.  If that wasn’t bad enough, I hid under the blankets and then saw Zippy, George and Bungle from Rainbow walking towards me as if the blanket was a tunnel.  Then I saw my grandmother enter my room and then enter a wardrobe.  And never came out.

Now I started to panic.  I got up and left my bedroom only to find that spiky thing from Star Wars (used to interrogate Princess Leia) making it’s way towards me.  I was edging towards the stairs.  It was at this point my parents woke up and managed to wake me up.  From that point the Battlestar bedsheets and curtains were consigned to the cupboard.  Permanently.

2 - The aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Never seen the whole film.  The only thing that stands out in my mind is the ending when the spaceships land and the aliens (built by E.T’s special effects maestro, Carlo Rambaldi) stepping out.  What really freaked me out was the lack of noses, big eyes, elongated limbs and well, it just freaked me out.  It took me a while to repeat the phrase, “IT’S A PUPPET!!” (thank you Brian Connelly).

3 - E.T. – The Extra Terrestrial.

How the hell could ET, a cuddly space alien be frightening?  Well, what spooked me as a kid was when ET screams.  At the beginning when he encounters Elliott, and a little further along in the film.  Also when he was dying and turned white.  And his croaky voice.  Still, that didn’t put me off asking for a cuddly ET doll which I cherished until I lost it one day.

4 - The dying alien from Cocoon.

It kind of resembled a dried prune.  And I didn’t like prunes at that time in my life.

5 - The Library Ghost from Ghostbusters, and Zaul’s voice.

This film caused me to scream and run out of the living room, desperately begging my mum to switch the video off.   Mum explained the irony in the scene, but that still didn’t work for me.  And Zaul’s voice when he takes over Sigourney Weaver’s body sent the screaming heebie-jeebies through me.  But it was this film that made me want to get into special make-up effects and visual effects.  And I partly succeed in that, so thank you Ghostbusters.

6 - Children of the Dog Star.

Children’s TV series.  They looked weird, were weird, and quite frankly it spooked the living crap out of me.

7 - Chocky.

That blasted voice haunted me for a good while, I tell you.

8 – Aliens in the Family.

Until Ralph Fiennes came along and MPC digitally removed his nose in his role of Voldermort, I had hated anything that had no nose.  These aliens had no noses (how did they smell?  Terrible!) and had put the wind up me a good ‘un as a youngster.

There.  Now you know.  I was a wimp.

Today’s the day: Apple to reveal iPad/iTablet/iSlate*

Posted by Martyn Drake – January 27, 2010

(* delete as applicable)

I’ll be bitterly disappointed if Steve Jobs doesn’t walk on stage in a toga, wearing a false white beard, holding an iPad/iTablet/iSlate tablet device under his arm and shouting to the crowd, “Behold! The 10 Commandments of Apple!” and recites things like, “Thy Shall Not Covert They Neighbours Macbook Pro – buy your own you cheapskates!” and “Thy Shall Worship The One True Computer Company”. You get the idea.

The cult of Apple comes full circle today, I think.

Update: So it is going to be called the iPad. Looks good, I’ll admit, and I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on one for review, but Apple isn’t exactly in my good books at the moment and I’ll wait until the iPad 2 before even remotely thinking of asking for or buying one. Not until I see how the uptake of this device goes.

Daily Mail calls Alan Yentob: Alan Yengorytob! Miaow!

Posted by Martyn Drake – December 12, 2009

Alan Yengorytob? (Click on image below to enlarge – sixth paragraph down).  Well, it’s better than calling him Yentorygob, eh?

Yengorytob

Yes, yes, it’s a typo.  Or IS IT?!  Original article here.

Colours in context: I’d like a chocolate sofa, please!

Posted by Martyn Drake – December 3, 2009

Can I expect a sofa made entirely from chocolate (if so, only Cadbury’s will do and it must be dark chocolate at that), or a sofa that is the colour of chocolate? Seems silly really, because there is white chocolate, plain chocolate (lightish brown) and dark chocolate (dark brown). So why beat about the bush and simply say that the sofa is a light brown or a dark brown or white? Why all this linguistical nonsense?

As for chocolate trousers, I’m saying NOTHING.

Gnat’s Enough of Gnats – We’re back from Croatia

Posted by Martyn Drake – October 8, 2009

We've just returned from Zadar (well, Bibinje, just opposite the Marina Dalmacija) in Croatia after a week of beautiful weather.  However I've been bitten more times than I care to count by little gnats who seem to treat my body as some form of banquet.

Croatia is a beautiful country, but it is not without it's problems.  The first is that the taxi service is incredibly expensive.  Expect to pay around £20-£25 to go only a few kilometres.  A 10-15 minute ride from Bibinje into Zadar's bus station costs £20.  From the airport to Bibinje is around £24.  A bus from Bibinje to Zadar's bus station is £1 each way.  If travelling by bus, prepare to join the locals in being pushed and pushing your way onto the bus since the concept of queues and orderly conduct are not something is a feature of the Croatian culture.

Secondly, a lot of café's in the centre of Zadar's old town don't serve food.  Nor do they have any menus.  Expect to interrogate the waiters as to what they have and what it costs.  Even when you do come across a restaurant, you're not immediately given a menu or are shown a seat.  I realise that this is not a busy season, but the waiters certainly seem to make you work for your food.  If sitting outside, expect smokers.  Lots of them.

Also, most tourist offices close on days when you want them the most.  In the shops around the Bibinje's marina, prepare to check your receipt carefully to avoid being overcharged.  The marina's shop is expensive in itself, but we discovered that they were charging over the odds for cans of coke which are priced by Coca Cola themselves as 4.99kn, but was going for 7Kn and was rang up under "Milk".  The bigger, more reputable shopping markets do not do this.

Finally, do not trust most road signs.  Most of them around Bibinje and the marina aren't exactly accurate and you should consult local maps (ironically from the Bibinje tourist office which I only found by accident).  Bus stops are not marked very well or provide much information either – the timetable for the number 10 bus to and from Bibinje to Zadar is found at the tourist office and NOT the bus shelter.

Favourite restaurants: Restaurant/Hotel Bepo and Tomislav Grill which are both just across the main road opposite the entrance to the Marina Dalmacija), and Restaurant Fereta (at the marina itself).  I would strongly suggest that you try Dalmatian Ham, it is most delicious!

That said, I did enjoy Croatia a great deal, and the people we were renting our apartment from were absolutely brilliant: very accommodating (I particularly enjoyed their home made grappa) and friendly.

Stupid Movie Titles – my compendium thus far..

Posted by Martyn Drake – April 15, 2009

I'll admit it.  I'm addicted to thinking up stupid/silly movie titles on Twitter.  Here are some of mine over the past 24 hours:

The Princess Bridge
Once Were Pancakes

Jacob Marley & Me

Bob Marley & Me

Armageddon 2: Armageddon Outta Here

Dell Boy 2: Windows' Barmy

Pan's Pipes Labyrinth

The Seven Taxmen

Sleepless in Canvey Island

The Sound of Muzak

Gorillas on the Piss

Gorillas on the Piste

The Dead Victoria

Dragonball ZZZZzzzZZZzzzzzZZzzzzzzz

Laura Ashley in Loom Raider: The Knitting Cradle of Wife

The Carrie Fisher King

Very Noisy Movie

The Cannonball Fast-Walk

Booger Nights

The Ocarina

A Lion Versus Predator

Airlines Versus Predator

The 27p Opera

Scumbag Thousandaire

Dr. Who and the Taka Dal Invasion of Eartha Kitt

Heterosexual Vampire Killers

Genetically Modified Chicken Run

M. Night Shyamalan's The Butler Did It (and He Was Really Dead)

Terminator 6: Blue Screen of Death

Terminator 5: Segmentation Fault

Bicentennial Pigeon

The Perfect Snow-Globe

The Nut-Allerg-Y Professor

E.T – the Extra Taramasalata

Herbie Goes Hybrid

Mr. Magorium's Fudgepacker Emporium

Other people's suggestions can be found here.

Of cat shaving and Ultra-Walruses with embarassing pasts..

Posted by Martyn Drake – March 27, 2009

I've been a huge fan of Douglas Adams as long as I can remember – possibly even longer than that.  Ever since I started watching the BBC TV series in Primary School and then consequently reading the Hitchiker's "trilogy" in secondary school, I thought Douglas Adams was the very best writer in the history of the universe.  Hell, when I broke my wrist and had to have the bones reset, I refused to be wheeled into the operating theatre until an episode of the TV series I had been watching on the ward's TV had finished.

So imagine my delight that a journalist by the name of Neil Gaiman had come along and wrote a biography of Douglas and his work which came out in 1993 (shortly after  I had finished secondary school and was enrolled in college).  The book was called  Don't Panic: Douglas Adams and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and it gave accounts from the people involved in bringing Hitchhiker's to the many mediums for which it has appeared.  It is also one of the funniest books I've ever read.
I decided to revisit the book this week, and still find it extremely funny, entertaining and altogether one of the best factual/biographical books I've come across.  It is genuinely laugh-out-loud in places – especially the chapter on Letters.  And yet, it is also a poignant reminder that Douglas has gone – so has Geoffrey Perkins – and we are not likely to ever see their like ever again.

That said, Stephen Fry (who is also closely associated with Douglas Adams) is currently undertaking a TV series of Last Chance to See which was originally a radio series presented by Douglas and Mark Carwardine.
It would be nice to see Don't Panic: Douglas Adams and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy updated with everything (the good and the bad) that has happened since 1993, including the film (which I enjoyed very much, to my surprise) which Douglas had been working on for well over a decade.  There is always, however, the Salmon of Doubt which continues the story of Douglas Adams a little bit further..

Douglas Adams is still my favourite author of all time – his work is infinitely re-readable (although I did struggle through Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency initially), and will continue to remain so.
Note: Back in secondary school, I theorized that Slartibartfast probably had a brother.  His name would have been WankyFuckBollocks (I blame Ben Elton and Alexi Sayle who were heavy influences on me through their shows on TV at the time) and was the less popular son of the family.  The thought was dismissed immediately by my peers, and I could see their point.

Update: You can play an enhanced version of the text adventure game, with graphics supplied by Rod Lord (whom I graciously had the chance to talk to back in my days at MPC as he was working on the MINT TV adverts with MPC doing some of the post-production stuff) over at the BBC's Hitchhiker's mini-site.  When asked, "who is Douglas Adams?", the game replied: "That's not a person!".