Today Mr. Vague admitted that the recent rumours that he was an evil space reptile – a member of an advanced scouting party whose people are hellbent on enslaving the human race and eating them for lunch before stripping the planet of it’s natural mineral resources and buggering off on an Intergalatic cruise – was true.
Mr. Dashing, the man whom he shared the room with, admitted the as the lights went out, he could see his companion shed his human disguise and eat five babies he had smuggled into the room, before finishing off his meal with a couple of hamsters (although Mr. Dashing refused to say if he actually ate them..). One hamster was revealed as being gay – the others were quick to deny it and referred the press to their solicitors.
Mr. Vague’s wife of 2,300 years also admitted that she too was a space reptile and found that living with humans made her a better cold-blooded animal. Although she did say that eating her husband’s political rivals gave her enormous pleasure and found was very difficult giving up eating MPs, who gave her too much gas.
David Macaroon, the PM, gave his full support to an alien invasion and welcomes our new overlords, saying that our country will only be stronger for it.
After the controversy of whether the X-Factor is selectively using auto-tune/vocoder, I managed to track down Horatio P. Bogbrush, a sound engineer on the X-Factor to discuss the issue. He very little to say on the subject other than, “well – we have to do a lot of work on the judge’s voices. Simon Cowell, for instance is in reality, a fair few octaves above that of a mouse and thus we have to bring the pitch and speed down quite considerably. As for Louis Walsh, he’s more of the Barry White persuasion and in most cases his voices causes windows to vibrate and cups to smash. So we up his voice pitch quite considerably as a consequence – otherwise people’s ears would implode.”
Horatio has previous worked with many famous clients, including Jamie Callum. Here’s one of Horatio’s proudest moments in sound engineering for live TV:
Of course, Jamie has gone on to become an international superstar and it’s because of Horatio’s handiwork that we can be grateful for this, and it looks as if the future of the X-Factor winner sets to be in safe hands.
The thought has occurred to me that, as web hosts, we’re dealing not just with raw numbers when customers come asking us for dedicated servers. You can tweak and test for 10,000 vistors per second, minute, hour, etc. but when it comes to the big time, I feel we need to deal with a whole new set of quantifiers.
People like Stephen Fry and Neil Gaiman have been known to cause web servers to go into fits of hysterics whenever a word or link from one of them gets Tweeted or blogged about. The poor sods on the receiving end usually both freak out by the number of visits, despair at the constant wait for their web server to wait for spare requests, or faint at the sight of the bandwidth bill from the onslaught.
Thus I feel that us web hosts should start considering offering servers based on an average based around the average number of visitors that Stephen Fry and Neil Gaiman (amongst others – we’d base it on a scaling system starting, say, with Mrs. Miggins of Lancaster through to Oprah Winfrey) bring to previous sites. Obviously one would have to get numbers from those sites to be able to work out an average between the two and then set-up a scaling system so that you’d advertise a web server capable of dealing with two Stephen Frys or four Neil Gaimans. The exact scale of Fry to Gaiman is debatable at this stage. But it could be done.
A false economy of scale? Perhaps. But the PR people would LOVE it.
This virtual server weighs in about 0.25 Neil Gaimans before #NeilWebFail and 0.15 Stephen Frys before I’m presented with a bill from my employers, although Stephen Fry has yet to visit or me having to collect previous statistics of visits to other sites he has mentioned.
.. Adam & Jane receive a £145 billion phone bill from BT (alas – Jane’s computer was infected with a devious porn dialer which have put all their charges costs on their phone bill – let’s face it, she lost all their photos the first time around, what makes you think she’s installed proper security software this time, eh?!), forcing them to sell their home and live in a hippy commune on an old waste ground in which they can only communicate long distances with tin cans and some string. They eventually die from eating old BT phones, left abandoned on the garbage heap.
That, for me, is the perfect ending to this series of adverts.
Alternatively they both simultaneously suffer from human spontaneous combustion brought on by an angry spirit all because their new home is built on an ancient burial ground. THEN they receive a £145 billion phone bill from BT after all the ghosts rack up long distance calls to their living relatives.
You can go vote here if you want to use their boring pre-scripted options. Advertisers are no fun. They left out the third option for Is Jane Pregnant? That option should be: she’s carrying a chestburster..
The Daily UNNGHHHGHHHH! has more information about the bees. Although I hear some of them are trying out as Maya TDs, while most of the rest are going to become rotoscopers.. And two of them are going to form a new company called The Hive..
.. and people are outraged about the new look. She now wears leggings rather than the rather skimpy skirt or star spangled shorts. But let’s be thankful here, folks. At least she isn’t wearing Ugg Boots along with the leggings, nor has she dyed her hair blond and had a hair cut that gives her a fringe which covers half her eyes, and starts speaking along the lines of: “Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod, and she’s like, and he’s like, and they’re like, and yeah, but no, but..”.
